Some employees deserve a Christmas bonus and some do not. You decide.

No. 1: Some dude in Toronto voluntarily resigned from his position and then decided not to work his full notice period. Instead, he brought a guitar to work on what he chose as his last day and sang a song, dedicated to his manager. What was the title of the song?

A. “I have appreciated the opportunity to work with you. Let’s keep in touch.”

B. “Take this job and shove it.”

C. “Thanks — it’s been real.”

D. “F this, I quit.”

ANSWER: D. (B has already been taken.) I just hope this guy never needs a reference.

No. 2: A company in the United Kingdom has come up with an innovative way to increase employee productivity. What is it?

A. Train managers to say “Great job! You’re the best!” whenever an employee is productive.

B. Give employees a recreational ax-throwing outing every month if they exceed their production goals.

C. Encourage employees to spy on their colleagues and tell Human Resources if they catch any slackers. Pay a monthly bonus to the biggest “rat.”

D. Replace all of the toilets with new ones that are angled down so that it’s uncomfortable — if not downright excruciating — to sit on the “pot” too long. That way, employees will stop hanging out in the restroom stalls reading magazines and texting instead of working.

ANSWER: D. I’d say “Only in America” if this weren’t the U.K. Where do people come up with this stuff? Folks, this is how you get unions.

No. 3: Speaking of unions, the National Labor Relations Board has been hot, hot, HOT this week giving multiple early gifts to employers. What happened?

A. The board issued regulations that loosen up the Obama administration’s “quickie” elections timetable.

B. The board decided that employers could lawfully prohibit employees from discussing pending workplace investigations.

C. The board decided that employees do not have the right under the National Labor Relations Act to use their employers’ systems (including email) for non-business purposes, including union business.

D. The term of the board’s only Democrat expired, leaving an all-Republican board.

E. All of the above.

ANSWER: E. The scoop on board action on “quickie” election rollback, employment investigations and employers’ email — are all at www.constangy.com. Christmas gift for all good employers!

No. 4: My 2020 gift to East Alabama employers. On Jan. 28, 2020 Jonathan Martin and I will roll at the 11:30 EASHRM lunch meeting at Saugahatchee Country Club for our Constangy training, “Moneyball for Employers 2020 — Capturing Millennials’ Hearts and Minds.” Drop my legal assistant Joe Calvin an email at jcalvin@constangy.com and we will get you an invite.

Tommy Eden is a partner working out of the Constangy, Brooks, Smith & Prophete, LLP offices in Opelika, AL office and can be contacted at teden@constangy.com or 334-246-2901. He thanks his Constangy partner Robin Shea for her blog on employee misfits.

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