It’s a plot against me. No matter how hard I try to eat the right foods, they come out with new guidelines that are next to impossible to follow.

Life used to be so simple. I remember when Mama kept a coffee can on the counter for storing bacon grease. She used it for seasoning vegetables and frying chicken. We had no idea we were clogging our arteries.

Last year I found a book that convinced me that following a diet based on blood type was the only way to be healthy. Problem was, for a person with my blood type, B-positive, there was nothing I liked that I could eat.

The diet was broken down into three categories — foods that were absolutely forbidden, foods that could be eaten but were not particularly good for me, and foods that were highly beneficial.

Most days, I eat a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. As it turned out, on the blood-type diet, I’m not supposed to eat peanut butter or bread.

My mainstay for meat is chicken. Not allowed. No bacon or shellfish either. I can eat beef or turkey, but they aren’t beneficial to my health. The only meats that are actually good for a person with type B blood are mutton, venison, rabbit and lamb. I’ve never eaten any of those except lamb — the only meat I don’t like —and I’m not sure where to get the others.

Ketchup, my favorite condiment, is strictly forbidden. For that matter, tomatoes in any form are out of the question. I’d been so proud of myself for adding walnuts and black beans to my menus. Bad idea. They’re on the not so good list.

I quickly became hungry and bored on a diet of bananas, yogurt and butter beans. So I gave up the blood type diet and went back to eating the foods that were on most lists of foods that are highly nutritional.

Then, just the other day, I saw an item on the Internet that asked, “What are the 5 best foods to eat?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I thought, almost yawning. I quickly rattled off the list in my head — strawberries, broccoli, walnuts, blueberries, and sweet potatoes.

Then I looked. And here’s what I found — purple potatoes, lychees, guava, bok choy and Asian pears.

But don’t worry. If you end up with a plateful of unfamiliar, unappetizing food that you hate, you can at least make it look stunning. Now there’s edible spray paint in a variety of colors available through a German-based company. The gold-plated chicken in the advertisement I saw looked something like a headless Lady Gaga.

The thing is, I’m really trying to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong. I know that regardless of my lifestyle, I might still die of some dreadful disease at any minute. But until then, I plan to be the best me that I can be. And if I could just figure out a way to become type O, life would be terrific again.

Mary Belk lives in Auburn and writes a column for the Opelika-Auburn News.

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