It’s been a month since my last column, and a lot has happened in 30 days, so let’s get to it. First, and most life changing, Linus received a DVD player for his birthday. And not just any DVD player, but the fancy travel kind. We used it for the first time driving back from Birmingham, and it was amazing. Typically that drive involves Linus falling asleep somewhere near Chelsea and waking up between Alexander City and Dadeville. Inconsolable crying starts near Camp Hill, and, on the really bad trips, he vomits in the vicinity of The Bottle.
But not this time. Not with the mobile DVD player, which I now rank just behind the Polio vaccine on the all-time list of human achievements. He didn’t nap, he didn’t cry, he didn’t do anything but stare in a zombie-like trance at a repeating episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
This bothered Tricia, because she’s a doctor, and doctors are always worried about kids having too much screen time and blah blah blah. I argued that kids who grow up with parents that haven’t been driven insane by their screaming children on road trips turn out better than children raised by insane parents. So we’ve compromised and will only use the DVD player on long trips, not every time we go to Kroger. Unless I get stuck in high-rise apartment construction traffic, then all bets are off.
In other news, I’ve decided to run for the now vacant seat in Alabama House District 79. And sure, I’ve told my boys, in this column no less, that I would be proud of them no matter what they do in life, so long as they don’t go in to politics. But you’ve got to understand, we’ve just started potty training Linus, and it’s terrible. So terrible that I’ve decided I’d rather have a job with a 60-minute commute.
Someone, maybe Mark Twain, said ‘Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.’ I agree, and promise, if elected, to not seek reelection, since by the time my four-year term is over both boys will be trained in the ways of the potty. I can’t promise that I’ll accomplish much of anything in office, but I promise not to make news for the wrong reasons, and, if I can figure out how, I’ll abolish the law that says in Alabama you cannot carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. That’s a real law, you can look it up.
Finally, I’d be remised if I didn’t mention all the (mostly) kind emails I received from readers after my final weekly column last month. Of course most of the emails expressed regret that I would no longer be writing my column at all, which makes me wonder why so many people care when they’re obviously just skimming. But I suppose it’s the thought the counts, and it was nice to know people appreciated the column. And now, if you really want to show your appreciation, you’ll vote Gibbs, and I’ll make potty training great again, but letting someone else do it for me.
Chad Gibbs resides in Auburn and is the author of “God & Football,” “Love Thy Rival” and “Jesus Without Borders.” To learn more about Gibbs’ projects and to purchase his books, visit www.chadgibbs.com.